Thursday, March 03, 2005

The Infamous Flamethrower Post...It Note?

A Nor'easter deposited another six inches of snow on my parents driveway the other day and the job of cleaning up the mess once again fell upon the shoulders of my brother and I. My Mom was at work and my Dad was in Las Vegas. I invited my cousin Shannon outside to join in our snow removal fun but she declined. As Tim and I began shoveling the snow my mind once again became occupied with the entire concept of snow removal. Let us be honest here, snow has been falling on New England pretty much since the dawn of time but you still only have three viable options for clearing a path. Shoveling, snow-blowing and hiring someone to plow your driveway.

Three options...until now!!!

Why not use a FLAMETHROWER to melt the snow away.

Drawing By Mike Posted by Hello

Before you start to post comments about the potential dangers give me a minute of your time so that I might outline some of the potential benefits of removing snow via FLAMETHROWER.

For starters Flamethrowing is much more practical than shoveling.

Drawing By Mike Posted by Hello

You will not be putting half as much strain on your body. If you can sling a backpack over your shoulders you can now clear your driveway. Think about it for a minute, snow removal without wrenching your back. Sounds like a little slice of heaven. Why even the elderly should be able to handle this, if the aged can clear their own walkways it would mean that they would be less likely to fall and break a hip on the ice...and of course you wouldn't have to do it for them.

For those of you who use a snow-blower think about this for a moment. What is the biggest drawback to snow-blowing? Why having your hand torn off and spat across the street by a big piece of machinery.

Drawing By Mike Posted by Hello

Think about the bleeding and the screaming...think of the children who might witness this event. If you could use a flamethrower you would never have to worry about selecting a jaunty prosthetic after clearing the driveway ever again. The second major drawback to snow-blowing is having the wind blow snow into your face and down your neck. While operating the flamethrower I am confident that the air would feel almost tropical. It would probably feel like a mini-vacation.

Now nothing in life is perfect; you would have to pay close attention to which way the wind is blowing while you are operating the may want to install a weathervane for more accurate forecasting. No matter how tempting it may be I would not recommend using the flamethrower to clean the ice off of your car in the morning because it could result in accidental incineration. It might be a good idea to always stand with your back to your house just in case.

Drawing By Mike Posted by Hello

But those are the only potential drawbacks that I can foresee; besides there are still a ton of benefits to a civilian flamethrower. Once the Zombies rise from the grave, (and believe me they will rise) your flamethrower would make a handy defensive weapon because Zombies are afraid of fire...and they burn.

Drawing By Mike Posted by Hello

Once you have successfully toasted all of the Zombies you could set up a stick with some weenies for roasting.

Drawing By Mike Posted by Hello

I swear there is no end to the potential benefits and uses of the flamethrower...besides I bet that they would be a hell of a lot of fun.


Blogger carrie said...

nicely done sir. i think more of your posts should be illistrated. and you can totally put me down on your christmas list for a flame thrower. damn kids... er... i mean zombies.

8:57 AM  
Blogger Blackwatch said...

That has got to be one of the best posts I've read this year! Informative, amusing, spell-binding, and flaming! Great idea, especially where i don't have to help old people...

1:09 PM  

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