Thursday, April 14, 2005

Rob Zombie Owes Me!!!

To put it bluntly Rob Zombie owes me another nine-hundred and thirty four corpses. You see back in April of 2003 Mr. Zombie released a horror movie entitled House of 1000 Corpses. There was a fairly big buzz surrounding the film, it was supposed to be a departure from the slick ultra-polished Hollywood horror films of recent memory and a return to horror classics like The Texas Chainsaw Massacre and The Hills Have Eyes. Suffice it to say I was sold on the movie…

But when your name is Rob Zombie and your film is called House of 1000 Corpses, and the tagline reads “The most shocking tale of carnage ever seen!” I expect a bit more of you. What exactly was I expecting to see in this movie? To be blunt I was expecting to see one thousand corpses. My friends were dubious, but I was adamant! If the film was titled House of 1000 Corpses then you can bet that that is exactly how many there will be, so I stopped by work to borrow a piece of scientific equipment.

Drawing By Mike Posted by Hello

After I secured my chrome plated people counter I went and watched the movie. I thought that the film was ok, but it certainly did not live up to all of the hype. As I was watching I became aware of the fact that by one hour in either Rob was going to have to pick up the pace a bit or there was no way that he was going to meet his one thousand body quota.

Drawing By Mike Posted by Hello

I tried to be as scientific as possible. I brought research equipment, and I only counted the bodies that were unquestionably dead, if the subject was mortally wounded I did not add them to my tally unless they expired onscreen. Despite my rigorous empirical guidelines I gave Mr. Zombie the benefit of the doubt in a few scenes. For example in the tunnel scene I was very generous with my tally. Despite this the body count never rose above a dismal 66 corpses.

So why am I bothering to mention this now? Well this year Rob Zombie is releasing another movie called The Devil's Rejects. The trailer looks like classic psychobilly type horror which would be cool. It looks like it might be park horror flick part road movie, and if he manages to capture the isolated atmosphere of a Midwestern highway I guarantee you that I will love the movie provided of course I see those missing corpses. Just so that no one reads this and gets the wrong idea, I don't enjoy looking at dead bodies. Personally they give me the creeps, but if you claim that there are one thousand bodies in your movie you had best deliver if you want to get my ten dollars.

Drawing By Mike Posted by Hello


Blogger carrie said...

you make rob zombie look so sagely and cuddley. what a great combo. like chocolate and peaut butter.

12:07 PM  

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