Friday, October 07, 2005

Tales From The Workplace: Episode 1 "The Cleaning Lady Is Insane"

As many of you know I work nights in a college library. For the most part its a pretty easy job and its also a pretty safe environment in which to work. But every once in a while something happens that makes me realize that I may not be quite as safe in the library as I once believed.

Take for example the cleaning lady, now I know that for some of you the phrase "cleaning lady" may stir up the image of an older woman, perhaps a bit grandmotherly, in your mind. Maybe she speaks with a cockeny accent and dresses like Carol Burrnet. Well not our cleaning lady.

Our cleaning woman enters the building at around 11:30 every night which gives me roughly half an hour of quality interaction. Thanks to this window of opportunity I have been able to draw two conclusion about the cleaning lady, the first is that she is clearly insane and the second is that she may in fact also be homicidal.

Allow me to present to you some of the clues that have allowed me to reach this conclusion.

I first deduced that my cleaning lady was crazy when she explained to me that she talks to Jesus. At first I assumed she meant that shy prayed. I realized that this is not quite what she meant when she asked me if I talked to Jesus.
For the sake of clarity he is an illustration of what transpired.

Drawing By Mike Posted by Picasa

I can not stress to you enough how unsettling this entire conversation was, because she is a very tiny very very intense person. She talks like she knows something that you don't, which I suppose is entirely possible seeing how she has all of these late night conversations with Jesus.

My second piece of evidence has to do with the aforementioned "Mexican Lottery." If you catch the Cleaning Lady on the right night she will pull a greasy letter out of her pocket and show it to you. Apparently the half faded slice of paper is the proof that she has won the Mexican Lottery. She is just waiting for the lottery commissioner to mail her check. Again this doesn't sound that crazy but it would if you could hear her explain it in person.

My last piece of evidence is a little something that I like to call "Big Knife." One day I spilt some coffee all over my desk so I used my master key to open up the janitors closet to get some paper towels and maybe a little Glass Plus. As I was taking the paper towels off the top of the cart I noticed something shiny. Upon closer inspection I realized that the shiny object was in fact a knife. Here is a picture of it.

Photo By Mike Posted by Picasa

So my question is what possible reason could there be to have this knife at work? What possible janitorial function would necessitate you bringing a six inch blade into the work place? Pop quiz, is this something that a sane person would do? Or is it something that a woman who hears voices would do...voices that sometimes tell her to do things perhaps.

So now when ever it gets to be around 11:30 at work I try to be a bit more vigilant just in case the Cleaning Lady has received orders from Liberace transmitted via calculator to terminate me with extreme prejudice.

Drawing By Mike Posted by Picasa


Blogger Sam said...

After this post, Jesus is probably rolling in his grave. Wait... didn't Jesus rise from the dead? Then what happened? Is he still roaming the earth? Did he get scooped up into heaven? So... does he even have a grave to roll in? Ok. Nevermind. The point here is that you had better start watching your back at the library. You never know who is hiding behind a plant with a big knife. It might be the cleaning lady. It might be Jesus. Or... it might be me!

(You never knew that we were mortal enemies, did you?)

5:18 PM  
Blogger Blackwatch said...

Not entirely sure about the knife. I know I carry one to work, just not so big. You never know what she may need it for. Rebinding books? Unbinding books? That hot ghost that lives in fiction, but REALLY doesn't like being interrupted?

I know many people who get an answer when talking to Jesus. Normally, it's not in the form of a standard, on a whim, conversation. More often it is in the form of the answer to a sought after question, sometimes sought after for a long time. Quizzicle.

10:52 PM  
Blogger carrie said...

oh my god! does she wear a long, tan skirt? a black tee shirt with the company name on it? does she maybe even speak with southern accent?

12:15 PM  

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